final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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