maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
