I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
she told me i tasted like america
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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