A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
