Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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