stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
