Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
