apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
