when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
