her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
