It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
