see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
