I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
