Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize