i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
