I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
