sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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