There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
