You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
