he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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