Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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