so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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