I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
