if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
