Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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