my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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