between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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