i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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