I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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