Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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