Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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