Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
