Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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