I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
this will be a night to untag.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize