i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
