Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
