never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Randomize
