you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
