he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
