i may or may not be watching the land before time
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
