man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
