Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
