I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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