Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
