and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Randomize
