Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
whose parrot is this?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
