Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
