You really coming over, don't trick.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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