I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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