You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize