this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Randomize
