apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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