hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
