I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
