Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
