2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
