Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
