She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
